How I feel about my Irish Twins...

I've mostly used this blog to keep a journal of our life and to update the maybe 2 people that read it about us. But I've been thinking about this lots and decided to write something completely honest about how I'm feeling (sorry for the length):

First, you may be wondering what "Irish Twins" are. They are two babies born within the same year, Nelson + baby #2 will be 13 months apart but that is pretty dang close to a year.

Secondly, A little background:

All I've ever wanted was to be a momma to lots of babies and when I was 16 I received my patriarchal blessing (to find out more info about these visit: LDS Patriarchal Blessings) I was so excited to hear the blessings that the Lord had in store for me. During the blessing I patiently waited for the Patriarch to mostly mention me becoming a mother, but the words were never there. It mentioned my husband and a family but no assurance of becoming a mother...I was distraught!!! I thought motherhood was usually always mentioned for most young women. Becoming a mother was all I ever wanted and it wasn't mentioned next to the many other blessings in store for me if I continued to be obedient. I discussed this with my mom many times in tears and She said that sometimes not everything needs to be mentioned in our blessing because we don't specifically need to hear it not that it won't happen. I studied it out for myself and found the same answers. So I pushed it to the back of my mind and continued on in life, but the thoughts were always there that maybe I would never have children of my own.

When I married B we always knew we wanted lots of kids to fill our home. I remember the first time asking how many kids he wanted and he said 12!!! That was one clue that I knew I had met the exact person I was supposed to be with. 12 kids was a little excessive for me but I just knew he was ok with the idea of having as many as we could handle. About 6 months after being married I had graduated from my Ultrasound program and we both decided it was time to start trying for kids as we would probably be moving to Moscow, Idaho in another 7 months and I wouldn't be able to work anyway. We both knew it was pretty fast to make this decision but We both prayerfully went to the Lord and both knew it was time to begin. I had been on the pill since being married so I gladly stopped taking it. When we decided to start trying for our first baby we were so excited!! I knew with being on the pill it could take about 3-6 months for the affects to wear off. But my excitement eventually turned into heartache and stress as each month went by without those two double lines on the pee sticks. I thought something was wrong with me! I read everything under the sun about getting pregnant and tried just about every trick in the book to give us a good chance that month. But months are soooo long when your going thru this. Those feelings from back when I was only 16 came back and I thought I was never supposed to experience having my own little baby!

 Thru this year I felt like everyone was getting pregnant. And that it was easy for them. Don't get me wrong my joy for them was immense cuz I just love babies but my self esteem was shot. I was a failure at the one thing I thought I was meant to do. Have a baby! Even though we had only been trying for about a year and I know many couples who went way longer than that I was still so discouraged. I turned to the Lord many times thru prayer, scripture reading, temple-going, and rereading my patriachal blessing. By about the 10th month of our attempts, I was now alone and not doing much in Moscow, Idaho while Brandley was going to school. I specifically remember a day of just breaking down and sobbing into a pillow on my bedroom floor. I think it was just a day that I couldn't do it by myself anymore. I prayed and completely gave my burden over to my Saviour and said I can't do it anymore by myself and that He had to take this burden off of my shoulders. It was like a huge backpack of bricks was lifted off my back. My tears stopped, I sat up and felt great. I knew it was the spirit reaffirming that I didn't need to do this alone and that it cannot be my will but rather the Lord's will. We can't control timing of things happening but rather have to trust in the Lord.

I gave up the shenanigans and kept trusting in the Lord. I stopped buying pregnancy tests and using one every month.

2-3 months later on a day that I decided to use my last pee stick that I had in my cupboard, just for the heck of it. I wasn't late but just close to getting my period I knew. I texted Brandley and said come home for lunch I'm peeing on a stick. We both had no idea why we felt like we should check this month....

It was positive...We were having a baby!!

I love my little Nelson with all my heart! He still feels like my little miracle. And since my experience with all of this I have been diligent in helping anyone that comes to me with concerns about not getting pregnant and relating my own experience. I know for a fact that there was a reason I had to go thru that. I needed that trial and I needed to learn to truly seek the Lord in prayer and to trust in His will. We also know that the Lord knew we needed to have Nelson in July. It was during the summer break, when we were back in Canada so that we could be with Family and it wouldn't be such a financial burden on us for the birth. I know that I was supposed to have Nelson at the Grey Nun's Hospital in Edmonton with Dr. McCubbin because with how my labor went I would've had to have a c-section anywhere else.

After Nelson was born, as a couple we made the decision that I would not return on the pill. I was nursing and still hadn't had regular periods for 3 months postpartum. We weren't trying for another baby by any means but we also weren't preventing. I knew there was a slim chance I could get pregnant even without getting regular periods yet and nursing. We talked about the the "what if" of getting pregnant but were not too concerned because of what we went thru for a year. I finally got my period and then the next month I didn't, I knew this could be normal for some postpartum women. B kept bugging me to take a pee stick and I kept saying no. "Santa" even put one in my stocking (that was embarrassing as my whole family saw it too!!) just as a joke tho. But on New Years Eve, I saw the pregnancy test in my suitcase and thought you know what I'll just do it for peace of mind. There was no way I was pregnant, right?

It was positive....We were having ANOTHER baby!!!!

I was speechless. I stared at my little sleeping barely-4-month-old Nelson and couldn't help but cry. I cried with so many different emotions probably in this order: Shock, Fear, JOY, stupidity, embarrassment, HAPPINESS, sadness that my son would have to grow up so fast to be a big brother, EXCITEMENT...I was going to be a mother again!!!

As I have gone thru this next pregnancy I knew it would so different from my first. I ignored it for the longest time at first (I was already 8 weeks when we found out too!) until I started showing and knew we had to start telling people or else they would think I was just getting fat. I go thru days sometimes completely terrified of having 2 little baby's under the age of 1. I think of all the things that will be hard and get completely overwhelmed. Sometimes I just laugh at myself and think I'm a typical mormon mommy that is getting way too over her head. Sometimes I'm embarrassed of walking into a public place with a big 30 week belly and holding my 10 month son. Sometimes I think does it really matter how far apart they are...kids are crazy and its hard to be a mom when they are any age. Sometimes I just tingle with excitement to hold and smell a precious little newborn in my arms! Somedays I feel like the biggest failure as a mom as I lose patience so quickly and think I shouldn't even be blessed with another. Sometimes I feel so completely blessed that I've been allowed to raise these two babies in this life! Sometimes I can't wait for Nelson to have a little sibling to love and to help be a big brother to and for them to just be the best of friends.

Things haven't been easy and things haven't been completely as hard as I expected. Nelson is really such a good boy and we have a pretty good schedule. He's weened off so he's not as needy now which will transition him nicely. Weening him so early just about killed me because I always thought I would nurse til he was one. Lately, my heart is breaking cuz getting down on the floor to play with Nelson is almost unbearable somedays. But then there are moments...like when I lift Nelson on my lap and ask him "where's the baby?" and he pats my big tummy and sometimes gives it a kiss if I ask quick enough before we gets busy with something else! Those moments I crave! and I just melt in the moment of pure Joy! 

I love being a momma! and I love being Nelson and baby #2's momma!! I'm so grateful that I am entrusted to raise these sweet Children of God. I keep telling everyone that I've talked to that I feel like I have had no control over when I get pregnant. And its honestly true. Its all in the Lord's timing and the Lord's will. He knows what Me and B can handle and that can be the hardest thing sometimes...to just trust in Him. But going thru this all and as I get closer to August when I become momma of 2....I wouldn't have it any other way!